sigh

I am so heartbroken. The wait for Fry's appointment was such agony on Friday. It was sheer hell. Time just crawled on and each tick of the clock was like a bell tolling in my head. Last night I noticed it was 11PM and started crying. 24 hours without my baby Fryfry :( Almost 48 hours :(

It's so lonely and quiet in the apartment. I don't want to be home alone when Dan is at work and having the constant reminder that Fry isn't here.

I know it was for the best. Fry couldn't be the kitten he is in a body that was dying and didn't deserve to remain and die slowly. I have been by the side of a cat that died thirty minutes before his appointment at the vet to put him to sleep. It was horrible. I remember promising that I would never let an animal die like that.

In a way it was easier this time putting an animal to sleep. I believe Dan and I began the grieving process on Tuesday. Unfortunately I went through all the stages of grief at least 5 times on Friday. But at the same time it's never easier and is incredibly painful to hear that your pet's heart has stopped and then they get cold and are no longer a sweet fuzzy space heater :(

Sometimes I feel peaceful about the whole ordeal and then I start feeling guilty that a part of me is ok with the fact that Fry is gone. We cannot bring ourselves to take his bed off of our bed, or throw out the empty litter box sitting in it's usual spot, or his automatic feeder. It's painful to see them, but it's more painful feeling like every thing we put out of sight or throw away is cutting him out of our lives forever.

I miss my baby kitty :( He was too young, he was supposed to live at least 18 more years. He was supposed to be there if Dan and I got married, when we bought a house with a back yard, and learning to either hate or love children if we have children. I am leaning towards never having a cat again so I never have to go through this again. It took me 5 years to recover from Turbo's death to even open my heart to another cat and then Fry is wrenched away. :(

It's not fair. This sucks.